07 July 2020


Getting in the mood to celebrate the 4th of July this year was challenging. One reason is because we couldn't have a big get together with friends like we usually do but more so because of the state of despair I feel like this country is in. It's daunting and wears your soul down. Nonetheless I got festive and pulled it together to enjoy an afternoon of family. I got to see my nieces and one nephew and my parent's. We hung out at my father in laws house (for spacing purposes and because he offered to have us there), had food, cake, swimming and sparklers. 

I'm not sure why but physically I haven't been feeling at my peak. I get tired and just feel blah. I've been talking about how I get dizzy randomly for a long time but I'm off any meds except for my thyroid medication. It doesn't happen too often but it does happen. Mood wise I'm feeling blah as well. I just want to have good energy and to be able to go places with my kids and to have more structure. We can go to some playgrounds but it's so hot most days. It's just depressing. 

02 July 2020

Life Lately

So much has happened that I haven't blogged about. My 9th wedding anniversary, my birthday with a beach trip and Vana's first birthday party.

There are loads of current events that have been happening too that have weighed so heavy on my heart. I fucking hate people so much. I mean, I always have, but now I really don't have the patience for their horseshit. A civil rights movement has been sparked for the death of a black man who was murdered by a cop. Racist people are doing everything they can to discredit and call the movement anti American. (Because that's how American racism is--when you're against it you're against America...) I have a lot more to say about all this but now isn't the post for it.

May 28th Matt and I celebrated 9 years of being married! We took an aimless drive out to the country. We were initially planning a picnic as our date with a willow picnic basket (the material for 9th anniversary) but it was pouring rain that morning. Even though the monsoon ended the ground was still soaked and I left the basket at home. We ended up eating at a Mexican restaurant outside, going shopping at Walmart and Lowes (super romantic) and stopping at a scenic overlook. It was a nice, childfree date.

June 12th I turned 30! Me, Matt, Natalie, Vanessa and my niece Bridget went to Ocean City, MD. We're still in the middle of a global pandemic but life has to go on. Our new normal consists of wearing face covering, extra sanitizing and "social distancing" aka remaining 6 feet apart from anyone not in your household. Anway we stayed at a nice hotel right on the beach that had 2 pools. The girls loved it. We just hung out, went to the beach and pool and out to eat and had a nice break from the mundane everyday of being cooped up in the house.

On June 20th we celebrated Vanessa's first birthday with family. (I strongly feel I'm being judged by some for talking about going on a trip and celebrating my daughter's birthday during the COVID outbreak but whatthefuckever.) It was a super low key party with parent's, siblings, nieces and nephews. We just had food and hung out but it was nice.

I still can't believe my baby is 1! She is seriously just the silliest, sweetest, smartest little girl.

23 June 2020


One year since the first time we met face to face. One year of sleepless nights.  One year of waking up to see your beautiful smile in the morning. One year of trying to figure it all out. One year of your silliness. One year of milestones.  One year so full of happiness. One year of Vanessa!

Happy first birthday to my precious daughter. 

23 May 2020

11 Months

Man it feels weird hopping back on here and writing a post. It's evidently only been a month since I last blogged but it feels like lightyears ago. Living in quarantine on top of being sleep deprived has created such a strange reality to be in.  Time is so hard to keep track of. It feels like a million things have happened between my 10 month update and now. A couple of my family members have had confirmed cases of COVID-19. Amazingly symptoms have only shown up in the two people who were confirmed and no one else in their household, including the immune compromised and elderly. Their symptoms were also pretty mild, even compared to the seasonal flu (which btw, I've never had the flu *knock on wood* but that shit does not sound mild to me). I actually hope my family and I contracted it and gotten over it (without spreading to anyone else) with no issues so we can hopefully build an immunity to it. I have had an on and off very mild sore throat and slight headache but that is most likely allergy related. Natalie coughed a couple times the other day. Vanessa felt extremely hot in the middle of the night a couple nights ago and she seems a bit crankier and like she isn't feel great at times but that could be because of a million things.

I can't believe I didn't write it's own post for this but baby girl is walking now! She really started taking multiple steps 10 days into 10 months old. She isn't doing it full time but she is getting good and confident. She'll look so proud and happy and we'll cheer and clap and she'll clap with us when she walks for us. It's so sweet. She doesn't like shoes and even seems to dislike socks so she is always barefoot now.  She is still such a light sleeper and wakes up sooo much and so easily. She is also getting harder and harder to put down for naps/bedtime. I don't know what to do about it. She's hard work for sure but so precious and sweet. I can't think of much that's new with her aside from walking. She does a cute thing where she wrinkles her nose and she learned to shake her head no when she doesn't want something. She also really likes crawling under people's legs and doing something we call "baby yoga" where she peeks under her own legs upside down. The lack of sleep is really driving me crazy. A typical night is like this: takes an hours of rocking to finally get her to sleep. Then you have to hold her for an hour before daring to try and put her down. Then you finally sneak off and she wakes up 10-15 minutes later. The cycle of putting her down and her waking up continues until you just give up and go to bed. Then she wakes up every hour to couple of hours, sometimes needing a bottle, sometimes needing a snuggle/to be rocked. Around 3-5 am she'll start bouncing around and be wide awake. This takes more rocking for 45 minutes to an hour. Then she wakes up for good between 6-7:30 (7:30 is rare) and is up for the morning. Naps are no better. She needs to be rocked to sleep and held the entire time or she will wake right up. This results in a non-stop 24/7 no break ever kind of parenting. I know this sounds crazy and I never thought I would ever consider it but I am thinking about hiring a nanny a few days a week for a couple of hours. Matt is great but he works non stop and needs a break too. I feel like I constantly give him breaks and he sleeps in and I do the absolute brunt of child caring and am starting to lose my mind. His mom is my only real solace and I feel like I use her way too much as is. The other day I was so frustrated that Matt was taking forever to come upstairs to relieve me of baby duty that I took Vanessa down to him. On my way down I did not see the glass spice jar that was lying on the steps that Vanessa threw down earlier right before we took a walk. (I was in a rush and had my hands full trying to get out the door and just felt defeated that I totally forgot about it being there.) Matt obviously didn't see it either when he went down. Anyway, I slipped on it and somehow Vanessa flew out of my arms. I immediately started screaming and crying, freaking the fuck out that my baby was tumbling face first down the stairs. I couldn't tell you how I fell or how many steps we went down but thankfully she was okay. She cried for probably 2 minutes and then was her normal self. I was so scared and so so upset. I never imagined if something like that happened I would lose such control. I always imagine people in those scenarios as being less good parent's than I am. How the fuck would your instincts not kick in and you hold your baby even tighter? It happened so suddenly that I couldn't give you a single detail of the events. Just that I knew I slipped and dropped my baby and felt horrible about it. It was accident that I have learned a lesson from. I hope my head isn't ever too clouded to check the stairs before carrying her up/down them. So many fatal accidents can occur and I'm so damn relieved my baby is okay. 

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like less of a mother. I love that little girl more than life itself and think the world of her. She's the best and I can't believe she is turning 1 in 1 month, ahh!

23 April 2020

10 Months

Time is still flying by! The countdown to a year old is at 2 months! More than that my baby is growing and learning so fast!

Vanessa has said her first word, which us cat! It's not 100% clear but it's definitely what she's saying. She stared saying it a few weeks ago when our cats would come into the room. At first we weren't sure if we should consider it her first word but she kept doing it when she saw them (though she won't repeat on cue). On Easter I heard her say it and it was so clear and again when she saw our cats. She was looking at a book with a cat in it too and repeatedly said it. She has also learned to crawl up an entire flight of stairs. She's taken one independent first step but that seem to have startled her. She is so sweet and smiley and often gives random cuddles. She insists she's a big girl and demands to drink out of water bottles. Every morning she wakes up with a big smile and bounces. She then points to Matt's water bottle by the bed and takes sips. She's silly and keeps chewing on her toes or taking her socks off and putting them in her mouth. She really loves books. She has a handful of favorites including Brown Bear Brown Bear, Good Day Good Night,  Ten Little Ladybugs, Mr. Brown Can Moo and The Busy Bee or some shit. She wants them over and over and over again. Sometimes I'll hide a book she's obsessed with because it gets tedious as hell. Sorry. She seems go understand so much of what we say and I feel like she communicates so well. I'm so proud and happy this little babe is mine!

Update 5/1: She took more steps today! My mother in law still babysits her on Friday's even though I'm not working and said she took about 3 steps independently.  Vanessa did it a tiny bit for me later but it was wobbly and she was so eager to walk to my MIL she kind of lunged forward.  Yesterday she started saying my father in laws name pretty clear (PAP-PAP or Bap-Bap as she says). She actually started saying it last Saturday when he would walk into a room (we're still seeing both my in laws) but it got really clear yesterday.  She also started mimicking us sticking our tongues out, it's the cutest thing! Oh and she now has 5 teeth! 3 bottoms and 2 tops. I didn't realize until today she had a 3rd bottom tooth but my mother in law pointed it out.

12 April 2020


Easter 2020 is certainly going to be memorable with everything going on in the world and since it was Vana's first Easter. It was a pretty typical Easter but a bit sadder since we didn't get to see my family. Natalie is really missing her cousin Bridget who she is super close with. She video chats a lot with her a lot but that only does so much good. I try to tell Nat to look on the bright side and focus on the positive things and she so far hasn't gotten too too down about it. Anyway, Vanessa's sleep has been so awful lately (more than it usually is I think, hard to keep up with a baby who has never been a good sleeper).  She wakes up frequently and doesn't want to eat or even really be rocked/held. She is just getting harder go soothe and waking up much more. 9 times out of 10 she won't let Matt pacify her either, it has to be me. It's not waking up at night that really gets to me, it's also that she's reqires being held all night and is restless so the quality of sleep I get isn't great. Anyway, I got up with her this morning and made a really cute breakfast. Natalie came down a bit later than us, then Vanessa took a nap and we did an egg hunt. Vanessa found some eggs that were blatantly in sight and Natalie had to research a bit harder for hers. We then went to Matt's mom's house (my in laws are the only people we're having any contact with and vice versa) and had lunch then hung out for a bit and the girls opened their Easter baskets/gifts. We went back home, Matt put Vana down for a nap and I slept on the couch for a good while. Then we went outside and played with the bubble machine we got the girls. I thought Vanessa would really get a kick out of it but she wasn't too interested. Natalie loved it and even said to me, "that was a blast, thank you for getting it for us, " which made me so happy. We finished the evening by going to Matt's dad's house for dinner. Vanessa loves Matt's parents so so much. She actually prefers them to us, it's really funny. She was drinking out of a water bottle and cracking my father in law up. I just love how close we are to them. Anyway,  all things considered it was a good and pretty typical Easter. My mom popped by and left some groceries and a chocolate bunny on my porch. I'm bummed to not have seen my family but I'm grateful I have a family to miss!

31 March 2020


Yesterday the governor ordered the state of VA to stay home except for essentials (food, medicine), medical care and fresh air/exercise. The law also allows people to visit relatives and a list if other things like volunteer. This order is in effect until June 10th. I have a feeling the restrictions will be lifted before that date. I'm not sure how to feel.  I don't have the answers. We all do need to move on with our lives and jobs but at what cost? How long until it's safe? How fucked up are things about to get for the economy and health system? This is all such a disaster and still a very divided political issue with people still downplaying it or outright saying the death toll is a lie to make Trump look bad (like he needs any fucking help to do that). I'm still so angry and lost about it but thanking my lucky stars I'm here and healthy with my family.

On another note, homeschooling is still going well most the time. There are moments of frustration with getting Natalie to focus and listen without giving attitude but overall I love this. Yesterday we planted some seeds in our yard and have started a vegetable garden. My neighbor gave us some lettuce and snap pea seeds, soil and a pole for the snap peas to grown up which I had no freaking clue was a thing.  I'll be amazed if anything is harvestable because I can take care of children quite well but plants/crops are not my forte.  I always dreamed of growing my own food though and now seems like a good time to.

Vanessa is such an amazing baby. She learns so quick, though she doesn't always repeat things when you want her to (which is fine, I'm not her puppet master). Today while she was takin lg a bath I asked her to share one of her toys with me and sure enough she handed to me. Then she pulled the faucet cover off (twice) and was playing with that and I videotaped me asking her to share and her immediately turning around to hand it to me. Last night we were outside and I pointed out the moon high in the sky above us and she pointed at it and made her adorable noises. Then she looked around elsewhere and I asked her where the moon was and she looked up and pointed right at it. She just blows me away. Oh, she is also becoming super attached to Matt and prefers him to me 100%. That's exactly how Natalie was too until she was several years old. It's sad because Vanessa always reaches for him and cries when he can't hold her. I try not to take it personally.  She's still my little snuggle bug and I love being with my girls all the time. 

25 March 2020


It has been 12 days since we got word that Natalie's school was closing for a month. Two days ago the governor of Virginia announced school is closed for the rest of the academic year. Oh, I also am unemployed for the first time since I was 16. Hopefully it is only temporary and my salon location will open back up when it is safe. We're a small company and I don't think my location pulls in enough money to withstand being closed for much more than 30 days though.

I am not sure how I feel. I have mood swings about all of this mess. I sometimes get so frustrated that I just want to rant and vent and curse. I feel so angry about what could have been done to prevent getting to this point (many other countries successfully stopped this nonsense before it spread). I get angry at the people who still laugh about it and call it a hoax or an exaggeration. I get mad (so mad) at the president and his idiocy. His bullshit, his hypocrisy and his flat out lies. I get angry at the people who still defend him and claim to be these great patriots but don't take what the country needs to heart. Trump (I get mad even writing his name) wants to reopen the country back up in a couple short weeks to prevent financial collapse despite health experts advice that it will only worsen the pandemic and kill more people who would have otherwise lived. People are all, "it's easy to criticize leaders, would you know what to do in this situation?" and no, I do not know what to do in this situation and I am not saying it's an easy place to be. I also do not have advice from some of the worlds smartest doctors and scientists who study infectious diseases telling me what to do to then act like a cocky, know it all motherfucker and not only ignore their advice but do the EXACT fucking opposite of what they say. I am not saying he will get away with opening back up by Easter (his desired timeline and he talked about how beautiful it will be to have churches packed with people, ugh) so fingers crossed that it doesn't work out. Trust me, I am in no state to be without a job and like I said I may be without that job for good. But I have a patriotic duty to fill by keeping this disease from spreading. 

Whew, okay that felt good to get off my chest. 

23 March 2020

Nine Months

With the world collapsing before my bare eyes and my brain focusing on so many worries ahead, it is a bit challenging to even think about my baby turning 9 months old.

Here we are though, world aflame and Vana being another month older. She's such a silly little baby. She does this adorable thing when I lean my head into her and say, "noggin" and gently taps her forehead to mine. She also "kisses" me by pressing her wide open mouth to my face and leaving it there. Sleep it still awful, maybe worse. She rolls around in what seems to be discomfort until we (me) pick her up snuggle her. She still feeds at night too, around 12 ozs maybe. She is down to one nap a day, sometimes an hour long, sometimes three hours or so. She is very clingy and demands to be held/entertained all day. She is back to not really playing solo and is very cranky. I believe it's mostly teething but unfortunately since she was 5 months she's had ear issues. First was an infection,  then another infection (or the first never cleared), then the ear wasn't fully healed and now she has fluid in her ear but the doctor last visit 2 weeks ago said it wasn't infected then. She was supposed to see a specialist about it but due to this global pandemic they didn't bring us into the office and just chatted with me on the phone. The specialist said that a lot of times babies' eustachian tubes are long enough and something about why that causes issues. The fluid may not be causing her pain, just discomfort but it could be muffling her hearing which would be an issue. We have to wait and see when it's safe to take her to the ear doctor to get evaluated and possibly explore the option of putting a tube in her ear.

Physically she is thriving. She was a healthy 21 lbs and 29.5 inches 2 weeks ago. I forgot the percentiles but it was like 8oth and 99th. She enjoys solids very much but is very picky about them. She won't eat fresh fruit or many vegetables. She loves canned soup, meat (any kind), and prepackaged snacks like puffs and knock off Cheerios. She really enjoys freeze dried strawberries too. It makes me nuts because I never know what to feed her. I want her to be eating baby mush and healthier fresh foods. Matt's dad is ready to give her sweets and lots of junk, haha. I am going to let him be the first to give her McDonald's when the time is right because he's been itching to do that.

Whatever she's been eating, she is getting strong! She is cruising along edges and can stand independently for 10-15+ seconds. She can also squirm and roll away from you like she does every single diaper change.  Every single one.  It is such a challenge, especially the messy ones, eww.

She's a handful for sure and an entirely different baby than Natalie was but I love and adore her all the same. She is charming and smart and amazing. Happy 9 months, Vana Vo!

Update 3.25.20: She bit me like 3 times today. It was when she was happy (when I tickled her and when Natalie surprised her, something that makes her really excited) so hopefully it was just a nervous tick type thing and not full on aggression.

 I kept having to snatch leaves out of her hands/mouth while taking these.
 I got her to eat some peach baby mush today.
I was really hoping to lose more weight before my birthday in June but it's looking like I'll be gaining 30 lbs by then with this quarantine. 

18 March 2020


Wow, we are already three days into homeschooling! It has been going great! Natalie is the most organized kid I've ever met. She was so cute and was so excited about being homeschooled. Before school even shut down she was planning things out and writing out her schedule, writing lists of things she needs, and gathering supplies. Once she got her assignments from her teacher, she organized those assignments by subject order she would be doing them in. She has been cooperative and does the work but it's also extremely light and easy work. We could do all subjects in less than an hour but I need it to stretch us through a good amount of the day. I'm flexible though because I have to be with a demanding baby to care for. I've been loving it so much. Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect and Natalie and I still bicker but it isn't about homeschooling (yet).

An update on the burning world: As I write this on March 18th, 2020 at 9:42 pm almost 9,000 people globally have died from covid19. 8,953 last I checked. The numbers of cases and deaths keeps jumping up and up and up. There are more cases than reported because people can be without symptoms and you have to jump through hoops to get tested since there is a test shortage for some reason. My anxiety is all over. I fear getting sick, I mostly fear my in laws or parents getting sick and I definitely fear the economical damage this virus is causing. I think Matt will lose his job. He works for a small company that is already struggling. I don't know what the future holds. It is what it is I guess. I can't panic and do anything about what is bound to be.

Anyway, aside from all that, life is great! I asked Natalie today, "What are your thoughts on Coronavirus and everything going on?" She smiled and said, "I don't know. I'm just happy to be with you," as she dove into me for a hug. I love these girl's of mine. I love Matt so much. I'm so lucky and happy to have them, come hell or high waters.

Tomorrow the weather will be beautiful and I look forward to another day we can homeschool.

14 March 2020


Remember all those times I mentioned how I love having Natalie home with me and I wish we had more time together since she started school? Well, wish granted! I get a whole month of her being home courtesy of coronavirus!

School is closing Monday (the 16th) and starts back up after our regularly scheduled spring break on April 13th. The plan is to do some homeschooling for a couple of weeks and then enjoy a trip to the mountains and waterpark but something tells me that trip is going to hell.
I really actually dread homeschooling. Vana has been having a tough time lately and attached at the hip, just yelling and crying all day. Natalie is stubborn and full of attitude lately. I just foresee my day being stress filled trying to get Natalie to cooperate with a cranky baby in hand.
Just to document and look back on all this, here's a summary of what is going on right now: a global pandemic of something called cornovirus causing the world to go to shit (even more so than all the other things that make it shit).

Things are a bit crazy at the moment, and it's only just begun here in my area. Schools closing, grocery stores out of basic necessities, and events being cancelled. All pro sports have been cancelled, concerts, parties, ect. in an effort to socially distance people and prevent this from spreading more.  I am so on board with the idea of less crowds and avoiding people as much as possible, something I do all year round.

I don't know what will happen and how bad things might get but shockingly I am staying very calm. I have my moments of, "oh snap, what if the worst case scenario happens?!" and even moments of, "what if the worst case scenario doesn't happen but we still get this virus and it's terrible and life altering even not in the worst stage?!" but overall I am being rational, which is unusual.
There are loads of mixed opinions on how things will pan out and it's hard to know what to think and feel. It's all really just a big wait and see game. I actually feel a lot of anger about the way things are being politicized. I get mad reading social media posts and feel frustation about how the country is run in general. I am not saying I have the answers and I usually just stay the fuck away from anything political because 1. I don't care 2. It's complicated and I don't understand.

Anyway, I haven't been feeling 100%. I still get dizzy really easily (like even if I'm sitting down I lose my balance and feel like I'm tipping over) and have been fatigued which is normal for a mom to a baby who never sleeps well. All this mess with what's going on is surreal and I just am hoping for the best for everyone!

24 February 2020

Eight Months

Ack, I forgot to post yesterday and almost forgot today! Vanessa is 8 months old! I feel like I updated every new thing in the 7 month post as I did so as she hit new milestones. The other day I was saying, "that's Daddy," while pointing at Matt and she said "da-da" but  I believe it was crazy coincidental timing. She's so freaking sweet and silly. I mean this in the utmost endearing way but she reminds me of a little puppy sometimes because she'll put something in her mouth and then crawl around with it. There are other things that make me feel like she is a little puppy too but I can't really explain what or why. Maybe because she's slobbery and pants around while she crawls. She has the sweetest disposition and personality.  I can't get enough of her. She fits in so well with our family and just rolls with wherever we go or whatever we do. She is finally getting keen on solids. She loves legit solids, not purees. I want to limit the amount of prepackaged stuff she eats like the puffs and crackers and such but options are semi limited at the moment. I only give her fruits/veggies in this little net thing for babies to get small amounts of without choking. She isn't ready to eat homemade dinners yet. Anyway, she's thriving and just the best! Happy 8 months,  Vana!

Update: 3.3.20 She started playing peek a boo on cue last week! She'll take a blanket and if you ask where Vanessa is she holds it over her face then brings it back down and repeats the process again and again.

3/14/20: I meant to update a couple weeks ago but it got away from me. She will occasionally wave bye-bye. She does a good amount of head butting and trying to kiss us with her little mouth wide open and pushed against our faces. She is cranky most the day and pulls on her ear loads. I took her to get her ear checked out. It's not infected but there is fluid and we're going to see a specialist. There are some other things she started doing too that I can't remember but she just seems to be such a bright little baby.

29 January 2020

On the Move

Almost one week after turning 7 months and Vana figured crawling out today! She went after our fat cat Lilly. It's easier for her to crawl on the bed than hardwood floors or our area rug but she is getting better and better and faster and faster. No taking our eyes off her now!

23 January 2020

Seven Months

Happy 7 months to my beautiful, cheeky baby! I feel like things have started to really settle down and get easier *knock on wood*. Now that she can sit independently she can entertain herself with toys well I get stuff done. She in general seems a bit less high maintenance, but that comes and goes. Some days of course are harder than others but overall she is a very easy, wonderful baby. Sleep is still inconsistent and she's still waking roughly every 2 hours. It's not always to eat, she is sometimes just in need of cuddles/rocking. She still isn't super keen on solids. She likes peaches and pears but does not enjoy bananas or anything else, though I haven't pushed too much since she doesn't like much. She finally has started making her first babbling sounds. I think she mostly does it when she  is in pain from teething.  She opens her mouth and makes a "rah rah" sound  but sounds kind of sad  when she does it. She has been perpetually sick for months with on and off colds. She woke up todqay with the snottiest nose, poor girl. Natalie rarely ever got sick as a baby but she was also a lot more sheltered and keep away from germs more. Vanessa is super close to crawling and can scoot around. A few days ago she was so funny and was sliding around backwards on her belly on the floor. She was bumping into things like chairs and the tables and just giving the biggest smile. She even got stuck underneath her ExerSaucer but gave me the biggest smile when she did. I just find everything she does so funny and adorable. She is so sweet and loving , just like her big sis. Overall I feel like my family is doing so well and really getting the hang of things. Having two really great children is the main reason I would say. I just don't feel very stressed right now and that's because my babies have been taking it easy on me *again, knock on wood.* Natalie can be challenging with her attitude and inability to follow directions/listen but that's really not a big deal compared to some (a LOT of) kids. On top of that her sweet nature redeems her. I like to believe that the way she is treated by Matt and I is a big reason for the kind of behavior she emulates. The other day she got up at 6:30 and surprise me in bed with breakfast. She made me toast and jam, peanut butter crackers and Greek yogurt. She even wrote a note saying "thank you for being the best mom ever" and taped a mini Snickers to it. She told me "I know you don't usually eat candy in the morning (LOL usually) but I thought since today was a special occasion you could." I asked what the special occasion was and she said it was mommy day and that she would give me a massage later. Come to think of it, I am still waiting on that massage, haha. Then she proceeded to tell Matt that tomorrow was Daddy Day and Mommy Day and she would make us breakfast in bed. The only challenge we seem to face with the two girls together does that Natalie this sometimes guilty of trying too hard to take care of her sister. She adores her too much sometimes too and it can be a little overbearing. But that is a good problem to have, that my big girl loves her little sister too much. I'll take it any day.
Update: 2/2/20: I forgot to mention a couple weeks ago she pulled herself up in her crib before losing her balance and hitting her mouth as I tried to catch her. She enjoys standing and has started taking small, wobbly steps forward when you hold her hands. She also attempts to crawl using her hind legs and feet. Her cognitive abilities are definitely growing as well! We live behind train tracks and every time a train passes we look out the window and ask her if she sees the train. Yesterday we were sitting with our backs to the window that the trains pass by and I was reading her a book that had a toy train. When I said the word, "train" she turned completely around and looked out the window! It made me so excited and proud! Her babbling is taking off too and she started making mmm and buh sounds this weekend! 
Update 2/6/20: man her development seems to be taking off! Another week has gone by and she learned to pull herself up on the couch today. Anything she can grab on to she wants to use to stand. Tables, trash cans, couches, toy box... a physical feature that is a bit new is her hair is getting some curl/wave to it. I noticed it after her baths when she was little because the back of her hair would be a bit wavy but now the front is too. She's also learned to clap her hands a bit. It's not on cue but it is new. She gets into everything she can and will grant anything within reach.  She also slaps my face and chest sometimes, which I'm not a fan of and stop her from doing. Now she won't lay still/back when we change her diaper. It's super challenging, especially the messy ones. And she gets into everything she's not supposed to. She loves pulling wipes out of their packaging. I think she is going to be a mischievous little girl!
Update again 2/11/20: Man this girl is on a roll! Friday (2/7) at my mother in laws house she started putting her hand in the air towards the ceiling to point at the fans. We would get excited and say, "the fans go round and round and round," and motion our hand in circles.  She's super fascinated with the fans and loves looking at them. Today she began waving her hand around when pointing them out, just like we've been showing her every time she watches a fan spin! It's something Natalie used to do too, though I have no clue what age she started doing it. It's so amazing watching this girl grow and really absorbing everything around her. It feels like I get another chance to really relish each and every moment and put my finger on the exact moment she learns something new. Oh she is not a patient baby, not that many are. As I was drawing her a bath today she was squirming to get in it. She began eating little baby cereal puff things today too a d if I didn't give them fast enough she showed frustration by yelling out. It wasn't a super angry yell but you could tell she was upset with waiting. A very memorable story from when Natalie was a baby is a day I was feeding her in my lap and taking to my sister across the table. I got side tracked with talking and had a fork full of food to give Natalie inches from her face that I was too distracted to bring to her mouth. Instead of getting my attention by making noise she so patiently sat there with her mouth open waiting. I only noticed because my sister pointed it out. And I remember days at the playground when she was tiny and kids would cut on front of her on the slide or take an extra long time on equipment she wanted. She always just waited without causing a fuss or it even bothering her.

01 January 2020

Welcome, 2020!

Happy New Year! The start of a new year is always time for reflecting and setting goals and expectations for the months to come.

When I look back on 2019, there is almost not one bad thing to say about it. I live a virtually drama free life, just chillin' in my little bubble, judging the shit out of everyone around me. The worst thing I can think of is the crazy bitch at the playground. Other than that and my kid's catching a virus at Christmas everything was amazing! I got through a childbirth I was terrified of and it went so well, did some self improvement (both physically and spiritually), my girl's are thriving and my marriage is  almost effortless (not every minute of the day but mostly). Which leads me to goals/ plans for the new year.

There isn't a thing I want to change about my life in terms of my home/love life or even my professional life. I love how everything is. We've got so much good going. We have a house, wonderful children, a great relationship, food on the table, a loving family and so much more. I just want to continue to foster the bonds I have and continue to keep my family the main (and only) priority. What I would love to focus on more is myself. I conquered some stuff in 2019 that was long overdue. Now that that has been achieved I would like to keep that in check and dwell on some other character flaws about myself. Really just deal with stress better and not react with rude remarks when I get upset. I'd like to make date nights for Matt and I a monthly thing as well. I would like to do some home projects and get more organized around the house. Oh, and I have been saying this for like 6 years straight but I would very much enjoy losing some more weight and to finally get back within 5-10 lbs of my pre Natalie weight. But honestly it's kind of whatever on that one. I'll be happy just to not gain an assload of weight again and maintain the current number. I'm finally practicing a bit of self care and it feels so good. I'd like to increase that and maybe have a spa day or something I do just for myself.

I hope 2020 brings you all the happiness you can imagine. 

25 December 2019

Christmas 2019

Oh, boy, our first Christmas as a family of 4 is over. Things have been rough these last several days. Vana is sick now. Natalie hasn't gotten better but is up and down. I'm starting to feel crappy. I want my babies to feel better but I'm so glad Matt is here to help.

Apart from that it's been a good Christmas. We went to Matt's moms yesterday for lunch and to open gifts from aunts and uncles and then over to Matt's dad's house for dinner. I showed up late to dinner since Vanessa was finally napping come dinner time. After several presents Natalie was going downhill. Maybe an hour in and she was complaining of ear pain and asking to go home. Once we got in the car she began wailing and howling about the pain. Once home I convinced her to take meds and and put baby oil drops in her ear which she didn't like at first but it helped.

Today we went to my folks house and Vanessa just cried and fussed all day. She took a decent nap but was still cranky when she woke up. I think on top of not feeling well she was overwhelmed and afraid of all the unfamiliar faces and amount of people. We ate and opened presents and had a house full of kids. My twin nieces came, niece and nephew and my two nieces who live there were all present.  Natalie stayed while Matt and I took Vana home. We came back over for leftovers around 7 for dinner and by then Natalie was feeling pretty awful again. She had had medicine a couple hours before too. I'm feeling tired and my throat is sore. My chest feels kind of infected in a way. I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and ask to bring both girls in. I'm so scared of it turning into something serious like pneumonia.  Merry Christmas.

23 December 2019

Half Birthday!

Today is Vana's half birthday! At 6 months old she is sitting independently (started weeks ago), got her first tooth (6 days ago), loves to flap her hands around and bam bam toys, and is super sweet. She isb17.8 lbs (76th percentile), 28.25 inches (>99th percentile) and head circumference is 43.8 cm (89th percentile). She is still waking roughly every 2 hours a night. It's not always to eat, she's sometimes just squirmy and restless and needs to be cuddled. She still wants to be held all day and won't entertain herself much. She isn't babbling at all and is pretty quiet on the cooing front. I brought it up with the doctor today and she gave me a print out of activities to do for her age. I assume this is to stimulate her vocalization. I would feel bad if the reason she weren't babbling is because of a lack of attention but that would be better than something like a developmental delay. Time will tell. Poor girl had to get 4 shots today. 3 vaccines and a flu shot. She took a 3 hour long nap today and come bedtime was fussy and warm. The doctor said a fever and lethargy were expected with the vaccines but Natalie has had a fever since Friday afternoon. I am 90% sure it's the flu based on her symptoms. She is running a high fever around 103, has a runny nose and coughing and is definitely tired and not feeling well. I HOPE so much Vana doesn't get it too. (Or me or Matt but most importantly her.) Tomorrow we plan to go to Matt's dad's house for dinner and presents with my in laws/nephews. Christmas day we plan to go to my parent's. I'm excited to celebrate Christmas as a family of 4 but so worried about how we'll all be doing.

Wishing you all the merriest Christmas and happiest new year!

04 December 2019

Not So Great 8

Today my first baby turned 8! I love this girl immensely but sometimes she makes me question how I'll be able to handle the teen years. My lord, the drama and attitude. I  can't help but blame myself and my parenting on it. She is spoiled and it shows with her ungrateful demeanor sometimes. She can be the sweetest thing and say the most heart melting words but when she is getting too much of her way and one thing isn't precisely how she wants it then she has an attitude of life is the worst. I try so hard to make her happy and I think she is way too coddled. I have to crack down on myself as well as her. I didn't want this to be a negative post but that's reality right now. We had a birthday party for her this Sunday with only Matt's family again. I decided I'm done planning family parties bc she started doing things with her friends once kindergarten started but then last year with friends was a shit show so I didn't plan a party with friends this year either. Last year my MIL wanted to make cupcakes and give Natalie presents so we invited Matt's dad and brothers family. This year Natalie asked for that small family party again and my mother in law agreed so I didn't do any work. Our plan in lieu of a party with friends which is expensive and stressful was to take her this coming weekend on a day trip for lunch, ice cream and shopping. Today I gave her an LOL doll in the morning with a pancake breakfast (candle lit and happy birthday sung) then brought her McDonald's for lunch at school. She had a super nonchalant attitude when I showed up for lunch and then acted as if my presence was annoying and embarrassing her. She was just dry and vague when talking to me and then middle schoolers showed up to sing for the kids and spread holiday cheer. I realize now how she wanted to fit in and be cool and having her mom sing and sway around was embarrassing, so I'll forgive her for brushing me aside and telling me to stop on that one,  but before I really didn't do anything but make innocent conversation. She never once said thank you to me and acted entitled. After school she had a long overdue playdate with her best friend. Everything was great and they even went to dinner at IHOP together. When she got home from dinner I asked her to take a picture with Vanessa on her first birthday as a big sister. She agreed but wouldn't look at the camera so I said fine, no picture. I told her to go get ready for bed and she begun arguing with me, saying she was in fact looking for the picture when she definitely wasn't. From there the night just went down hill over NOTHING. I was picking up her room and told her not to rip up tiny pieces of paper and leave them on the ground (she makes various "crafts" and such) and she sassed me  and told me today was the worst birthday. I said, "great" because I can't tell you the number of conversations I've had about gratitude and appreciating what you have with her. A lengthy battle to get her to bed ensued and the night ended on a sour note with Matt and I telling her our weekend birthday plans are off unless her behavior changes and is immaculate the rest of the week. It's such a bummer and so frustrating to have a day like this, especially one that is special. It was her choice to behave the way she did and I am holding her accountable.  I have such a fear of her turning into a spoiled, rotten, ungrateful, entitled, rude human being. I don't think 7.5 years of being an only child did me any favors with that. Overall of course she is a good kid and I'm proud. She is getting older though and it's time to really address any poor behavior. Parenting can be challenging and I don't even know the right way to go about addressing the issue.

02 December 2019

Thanksgiving 2019

One of the best Thanksgivings is in the books! We took our first family vacation as a family of 4.

23 November 2019

Five Months

Vanessa is five months old today! I can't believe she's 5 months and I can't believe I've managed to continue with the monthly photos and blog posts!

Life's been busy and a bit stressful. Much more settled than my previous post, thankfully. I'm not as high strung as I was. I honestly think I was just PMS'ing when it felt like everything hit the fan. I'm off the Zoloft because it made me horribly dizzy. I switched to Wellbutrin but that too made me dizzy so for a week now I've been completely off of meds. I feel okay. Perhaps a bit weepier than when I was taking it. I really think it helped with my PMS though, big time.

I know a lot of people frown upon needing medication as a crutch but if you felt like I did or even had to deal with me you would understand. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I physically can't tolerate it it seems.

Alright, that's the 5 month update on the postpartum bit. Now let's talk about the beautiful baby girl I have!

Vanessa is growing like a little blossoming flower! She got her first ear infection and I took her to the doctors on the 18th and she measured 27.5 inches, which is almost an inch and a half worth of growth in 4 weeks!

The ear infection doesn't seem to bother her too much (or maybe it does, it's so hard to figure babies out) but the antibiotics are messing with her gut. Bad diarrhea and she seems to be uncomfortable at night, waking frequently.

She's not super keen on solids, except she seemed to like peaches but it's hard to find baby food for her because everything is a combination of various fruit/veggie mixes and she's only supposed to have one food at a time.

I am 99% sure she learned to roll from belly to back yesterday! I wasn't paying too much attention because when she allows me to put her down I am trying to get things done or just have a minute to myself but she was definitely on her belly then I looked and she was back on her back. My mother in law had the same thing happen today when she wasn't paying attention either.

That's all I have the energy to write or think about for now. I felt like there was so much more to talk about but I can't think.

Happy 5 months, sweet girl!

07 November 2019


The stress of being a mom to two children has set in and I'm beginning to lose my cool. Vanessa has been such hard work lately. Not only does she require being held ALL day but she wants constant stimulation. She's just fussy no matter what and naps are my only relief but she's not a good napper. It's put me on edge with Natalie and definitely Matt. I feel frustrated with him that he's always in the basement working or that he stays up later and sleeps in later or that I am constantly juggling everything with the kids and homelife and he's always forgetting everything I ever tell him ever. With Natalie I lose my patience since I have to repeat myself to her 100 times and then get snappy with her for not listening, causing her to get snappy back, causing me to get even more angry. Add a crying baby and busy husband to it all and it's just a recipe for a strenuous situation. I don't get to get much done in a day and it's a struggle to even keep up with basic house cleaning and having a clean house is something that helps me feel less stressed and more on top of things. The guilt for getting upset with my children for being children is awful and losing my patience is something I can never take back. I'm so lucky to be the mom to these girl's though. They're amazing.  Natalie is such a mature and understanding girl. Last night I was apologizing to her for being so impatient lately and she said, "it's okay, I know Vanessa cries a lot and Daddy works all the time and you get frustrated, that's why I want to help out and watch Vanessa so you can nap." And she does. She does help out so much.  I would never put the responsibility of taking care of her sister on her but every day after school she asks to take the baby into her room and play with her. She'll have me give her toys, diapers and a bottle and she'll entertain Vanessa for a half hour or so. I'm so lucky and feel like a bad mom when I can't handle my girls.  Thank goodness for the forgiving nature Natalie has towards me.

04 November 2019

Countdown to 8

Exactly one month left of having a 7 year old! Natalie is such an amazing little girl. She's so funny and silly and clever and smart. She is also dramatic and whiny and negative at times, like all kids. She is the BEST big sister in the world, hands down.

I was lucky enough to attend her class STEAM party today and it was fun! I was glad to be at her school, seeing her class and being in the presence of her classmates and teacher. It was a good time.