28 May 2021

10 Years Married!

 Wow, today makes an entire decade of being married to my love! I read something that went, "don't brag about being in a relationship for 10 years when you've been crying for nine of them," or something like that. I can say even though tears have been shed through the years there have been far more happy times than not. I don't have any sound advice or enlightening wisdom on how to make a relationship successful. I feel like I hit the love jackpot my first time playing. Matt makes thing so easy and effortless (most days). I wish I could say I always do the same but I am a work in progress. I can be a total hormonal bitch and I hate it. I have come a long way from some of my not so pleasant ways though and for that I am proud.

Okay, enough about me being a less than perfect wife. 

Man, 10 years. In some ways it feel like a huge chunk of time, in others it's just a drop in the bucket (if we're lucky and don't die soon, haha). Time is so strange and hard to grasp. I am really grateful to have made it to this milestone. I looked back at photos and the video from our wedding day and it felt like another lifetime. In all honesty I did not want to have a wedding. I hated the idea of so much attention on myself, my family, my love life. I was young and not full of confidence the way I am today. I was a little insecure about my looks, mostly my teeth, which is why I am barely smiling in any of my photos. I had actually just began the process of getting Invisalign before my wedding and my teeth were pretty crooked. You can't tell from far away or in certain angles/lights but you mostly can't tell because I kept my mouth closed all the time. I felt so awkward about walking down the aisle too. So much so that I tried my best to convince Matt is was an unnecessary formality. I brainstormed ideas like just walking out from the side of the venue real casually at meeting at the altar on the low. Eloping would have been way more my style but Matt wanted a traditional day and I did too in a way. Just minus all the people gawking at me at one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. It was like public speaking times 100 and the speech I had to give was declaring my deepest thoughts and feelings for the man I love. It honestly is an intense thing to do. I was also so worried about how people perceived me and if I was being awkward or if my family was going to do something embarrassing. I know these aren't pleasant things to admit but it's true and I am so so very different today. Sure, it still isn't my style to have all eyes on me and it would be a little uncomfortable to be super mushy in front of 85 or so people but the things that stressed me out then probably wouldn't be such a huge deal. (Maybe I only say that because I've been down the aisle and know what to expect but I think I have just gotten more confident and comfortable in my own skin.) 

Today we celebrated with a lunch and bowling date, then a family dinner with both our sets of parents. Lately I’ve been trying to spend more time with my parents and better our relationship while they’re still here. It was a great day and I’m sad it’s over. Happy 10 years!!

13 May 2021

Mother's Day 2021

I still reminisce about my first Mother's Day (and I've brought it up several times on this blog). Matt did such a good job making me feel special and it was so neat to celebrate the holiday as a mama. He planned and execute a perfect day to make me feel special and loved. I don't remember every single detail like how the day began but I do remember he gifted me a personalized frame and personalized robe, took Natalie and I to the spot we got married and did a photoshoot of her and I and got a couple really great shots. He then (and this is the part that really sticks with me because he does NOT cook) cooked me a steak and lobster dinner complete with melted butter and a baked potato! I am so serious, I think that was the last time he ever cooked a real meal (not a frozen pizza). I know I should say since I have more children that subsequent Mother's Days topped that was but that was my favorite Mother's Day. That doesn't mean I appreciate the holiday less or anything, it was my first and such a great one emotionally for me and holds a dear spot in my heart forever. There have been Mother's Days where I was disappointed and cried (mostly because pregnancy hormones) and ones that were a bit unremarkable (god I really am sounding like an ungrateful shrew) but I savor being a mom almost every single day. I know even when I feel like my efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated that I doing a great job. Some times I question my parenting because there is no handbook and the hardest part about being a mom is just not knowing what the right call is. Do you ground your child for sassing you and using a negative tone of voice for the 100th time today? How lenient or strict should you be? That is my biggest dilemma. Oh and then there are the very unique things to ponder like am I going to send my daughter to virtual summer school and know she will complain and be miserable for three hours a day for a month and probably slack off and not learn shit or should I just let her openly slack off at home and not do it? Life is a trip, man. 

So this Mother's Day was very busy. We planned a beach trip to enjoy before peak season so we could stay right on the beach with a nice view at an affordable price. First we had breakfast with my mom, then a quick visit with Matt's mom before hitting the road and running into traffic. We decided to pull over for lunch and found a frozen yogurt place for dessert. They were offering a free yogurt for moms so we had to do it. ;) (I actually used to not like sweets for a long time but when I stopped drinking alcohol a couple of years ago my sweet tooth kicked in.)

We drove with a fairly cranky, non napped Vanessa but she did good for a tired child confined to a car on a long ride. We made it to our hotel, chilled, I took the girls down to the cold beach where they both loved getting their feet wet in the waves. It was windy and chilly but our feet got used to the water (or just became numb, who knows). We ordered pizza and then I put Vanessa to bed and went to bed shortly after that while Matt and Natalie hung out. The next morning we went to Walmart to get some grub. It started raining and we were trying to figure out what to do to keep us entertained since I foolishly didn't book a hotel with an indoor pool. We went to lunch then to a playground since the weather cleared up. Then we went down to the beach again and splashed in the waves. Then we went out to dinner at a place with a playground, back to the room, Vanessa bed and then we played Clue and had popcorn and junk. Our final morning we (the girls and I, Matt really doesn't like the beach) went to the beach again. This was the warmest and sunniest day (go figure) and it was really great. Natalie collected seashells and we walked along the beach in the waves. We saw dolphins and whales and Natalie says she saw and petted a baby seaturtle! It's funny, I remember when Natalie was 9 months old and we took her first beach trip. There was a young girl who was 10 years old and she was there without a parent. I remember her sitting and talking with us and I kept looking around to see who she was with or if someone was watching from a hotel balcony. I was just astonished she was there solo. I actually left Natalie alone on the beach for maybe 10-15 minutes a couple of times because Vanessa was wet and cold and Nat wasn't ready to leave. Our hotel was right on the beach with an ocean view and I trusted Natalie to not go far enough into the water where she could get swept away. My how times have changed for me! I never would have imagined giving her that much freedom at such a young age a couple years ago. 

Anyway, I definitely had a good Mother's Day. I have made it my mission to better my relationship with both my parents and to take more photos of/with them while I'm lucky enough they're here.