Cynicism

The first few days of school are done with and tomorrow is the weekend! I seriously look forward to that so much. I'll be off Saturday and Sunday. School is actually the reason I started alternating Saturday shifts, so I could have more time with Natalie since she wouldn't be my sidekick all day anymore.

Now I've got a new little one glued to me all day. Vanessa is so damn sweet. She is non stop smiling and cooing and it melts me. Last Friday she learned to roll from her back to belly two days before the 10 week mark. She's also gone on the swings at the playground while strapped to me and down a slide when she was sleeping and strapped to me at an indoor playground.

Sleep is still all over the place. I can say she will sleep between one and three hours a night. She is still so gassy and wiggles around in discomfort at night. I'm holding up pretty well though, especially with having to get up around 6:30 with the school schedule. Natalie on the other hand has a harder time waking and she is grumpy about going to school. It's not because it's a bad school or experience, it will just take some getting used to. She has had play dates each day after school so far.

I encourage her to make new friends since she was bummed none of her best friends are in her class and she told me she has enough friends already and isn't going to. Man is she stubborn. I also think she is beginning to rebel against me and all authoritative figures as she is quite often combative and contrary. If I tell her to do something or make a suggestion it is the opposite of whatever I say. She can also be really negative and dramatic and says things are terrible or awful or the worst thing in the world... ugh. I can't help but feel I am to blame for a lot of her negativity. I am not always the most optimistic person and I think that gets projected onto her at times. I am not mean to her or anything like that, I just have a negative attitude about various things and she has probably picked up on that. Or maybe she is just a 7 year old cynic. Who knows... I am starting to realize I need to be more upbeat myself since that is how I want my children to be. I am just so skeptical of the world and so untrusting and always assume the worst. I don't want my kids to be disappointed in life and I don't want their hearts to get broken by false expectations, so I tend to make sure Natalie is aware of the less pleasing side of reality. Example, and I am glad I caught myself before saying it, but there was a boy who Natalie really can't stand who she was anxious would be in her class. He is just mean and apparently called her a bitch to another kid last year and she heard it. Makes me so mad. Anyway, he ended up not being in her class and I was so happy and she was too. I almost was like, "Well keep in mind there might be other kids you don't like in your class this year too," and then I thought, why does she need to think about that? Her anxiety was just relieved and here I am about to put that worry back in her head because I don't want her to get too comfortable with the idea that everyone will be nice. She will learn that in time. And I hope I can teach her to see the good in people despite their flaws.

I have a some flaws to work on in myself, clearly. Change is hard but necessary. I want to raise my girls to the absolute best of my ability and I know I can do better. I am a very happy person inside and need to do a better job portraying positivity even when I feel cynical about life.