One Month

We can now begin counting in months! Vanessa Nicole is one month old today! She had a check up yesterday and is weighing in at 10 lbs 3.5 ozs (80th percentile) and is 23 inches long (99th percentile). Besides a terrible rash she has on her face, head, back of ears, and chest she is doing great. The doc said it's just a generic rash that babies get. We thought it was heat rash and of course measles crossed my mind too. It seems to flare up and get better at times. We were told to use hydracortisone cream and switch to fragrance free soaps, lotion and detergent.

Sleep has gotten worse for her and us. At night she wants to be on her belly so we have to hold her a lot. She wakes up the second we put her in the crib and fusses/cries. I try soothing her with a pacifier or by touching her but it rarely does any good. I have to pick her back up and hold her for another half hour then try again. Last night I was awake from 4:30-6:30 trying to make her comfortable in the bassinet next to our bed. I would have just put her in bed with us but Natalie had a bad dream and came into our room to sleep right at that time. We have been guilty of falling asleep with her in our arms (Matt has, anyway, I just can't sleep that way) and sleeping with her in our bed. I was so determined she would sleep in her crib before she was born. I am still hopeful and trying. I lie her down for every nap in her crib even if I know she'll wake up to try and train her to sleep there. I don't know if it's even possible to train a baby this young but I am trying. 

Eating is kinda all over the place. She wakes at night to eat every hour-hour and a half. Two hours is a rare stretch that she will go if she's in our bed or arms. We're giving her 3 ozs each feeding but she doesn't always finish it. Sometimes she will finish it and act hungry so we make another bottle and she takes a sip then falls asleep. Sometimes she will eat half of it then fall asleep then wake up 30 minutes late and want the rest. I honestly can't remember if it was like this with Natalie or not. 

Developmentally she seems on par with where she should be, though I don't read much about that kinda stuff. At least not yet. She makes great eye contact and has begun to coo in response to us talking/singing to her. She also smiles quite a bit, especially in the mornings. I swear she does it intentionally even though I know it's way too soon for that. Either way it's really sweet and makes me happy. She also has this adorable quirk of burying her face in between your body and bend in your arm when you hold her so she can fall asleep. Like a little baby mole rat. But more attractive. 

Tomorrow I have my check up. It isn't six weeks postpartum but I assume that's fine. I think I am going to bring up how I've been feeling lately. I find I am super sensitive (that has always been a trait of mine) and am up and down with the anxiety and sad spells. I don't know if I want to go on medication or not. It has been a long time coming to address the issue of me feeling the ways I do sometimes but I don't want the negative side effects pharmaceuticals could bring. I keep telling myself I can deal with it alone but I am also not sure I want to keep doing that. It's a conundrum but I am going to talk about it and weigh my options. 

3 Weeks Old

Vanessa turned 3 weeks old on Sunday! Time is a strange concept, especially with sleep deprivation so it feels like she has been here a lot longer. She fits right in with our family. 

Things are still going pretty well. I think my poor baby has some form of reflux/tummy issues. She cries and grunts and squirms around when she eats and she also gags on occasion, which really freaks me out. I purchased gripe water last night in hopes that will work but I am not very confident. Anything safe is worth a try to give my baby some comfort though. 

She also smiles more now, which I know is just a reflex but sometimes she looks at me and I say something or make a funny face and she'll smile and it feels like it's in response to me. She also will smile and let out a little noise that sounds like a giggle/laugh when she sleeps. It is so cute. 

I'm doing better emotionally. I haven't had a crying/sad spell in awhile. Stress definitely got to Matt and I a bit and we argued the other day about who pitches in more, which is so stupid and I don't know why I was so frustrated. We both help with the kids and do our share. I just want to be recognized and appreciated and thanked a bit more for the sacrifices I make. Sacrifices I am more than happy to make I should add. Matt takes care of our family and is such a good dad, I know I shouldn't nit pick. Anyway, we're all good now. 

My Butterflies

When I was in 7th grade I learned a song in music class called "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlyle. My roommate/best friend (I went to boarding school) Alana and I would sing this song together in the showers almost daily. I loved it and how it went through a girl's life from childhood to her wedding day.

Fast forward years later after my own wedding day and having a daughter of my own and I would sing this song to Natalie at night to soothe her. (The song is from the viewpoint of a father, but I always changed the word dad/daddy in the song to "our" or I would just leave it out.) When she got older she would request that I sing it to her, sometimes singing along with me. Eventually I stopped singing it so often to her and now I can't tell you the last time I did.

One day before I was pregnant but not too long ago she said to me out of the blue, "I want you to call me butterfly," and so I started to. She would smile and get giddy when I first began to call her that and told me how much she liked the nickname.

When we were looking for a name for baby sister I suggested Vanessa. I looked up the meaning and it was butterfly. At one point I told Natalie the name and it's meaning and said something along the lines of, "We're going to have another butterfly in the family," and she said, "We're not naming the baby Vanessa." Eventually it became her who was more set on the name Vanessa than I was.

I think the names are sweet and perfect together, just like I hope my two girls will be.

Ad we placed in the school yearbook for Natalie. 

2 Weeks

Vanessa had her two week check up on Monday. She gained 1 and a half pounds since birth and weighs 9 lbs 4.5 ounces. She was still measuring at 21 1/2 inches, which is what she was the day after she was born, but the doctor said that didn't mean she didn't grow, just that it's hard to measure babies when they don't cooperate. That's the 83rd percentile for weight and 95th for height. Her head circumference was 36.8 cm, which is the 92nd.

We had a rough night because she does not want to sleep on her back. She sleeps well in the day time being held or in her rocker chair but when I lay her down in her crib she wakes up after a minute or two 95% of the time. She was also waking up every hour last night to eat and seemed like she was having tummy issues. Her becoming a good sleeper and being able to soothe herself and sleep in a crib is my biggest stressor when it comes to parenting an infant. Natalie was not a good sleeper and we did nothing to encourage her to learn to sleep on her own, we just rocked her to sleep or took her on midnight car rides frequently, on top of her sleeping in bed with us for 5 years.

Speaking of Natalie, things with her have been a bit challenging the last few days. She had so much attitude the other night and we had to ground her and it just wasn't fun. I chalk it up to her not having a consistent schedule. She is a good kid and I feel bad when I lose my cool with her but it does get frustrating to repeat myself over and over again and her to get snotty with us. She's still an amazing big sister and honestly helpful though.

Most days I feel like I keep it together really well. I keep the house clean, the kids are taken care of, I cook dinner, make sure everyone's needs are being met and still try to make time for myself (by make time for myself I mean take a shower, go to bed at 10 p.m. and rush through the occasional blog post). I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I hope it's just hormones and not true postpartum depression but I have been having random crying spells and moments of sheer anxiety. It comes and goes each day at different times and there doesn't seem to be a trigger for it. I'm not having any thoughts of self harm or anything so I am not terribly concerned but it isn't fun when it happens.

Overall I think things are going well, despite all the negative things I just went on about.

4th of July

In true mom fashion I posted the pictures for this entry days ago but haven't been able to get around to finishing writing about our 4th of July until now. Weekend update included. 

We had such a good 4th of July! In the morning we attended a neighborhood festival that takes place each year but I somehow never knew about despite living in this neighborhood for over 10 years. There was a moon bounce, snow cones, cotton candy, face painting, music and a dunk tank that Natalie had a blast doing over and over again. There was also a baby "beauty" contest, which consistent of taking Vanessa up to two "judges" and them giving us a certificate. They gave her the title of, "Princess of Rosemont" (our neighborhood) which I thought was really cute!

Later in the evening we went to Matt's brothers house for dinner and some fireworks. Natalie had a great time playing with her cousins and I enjoyed having wine and chatting with my sister in law. We stayed pretty late and I definitely regretted it the next day but it was a lot of fun anyway! 

Yesterday (7/6) Natalie went to a classmates birthday party at a place with giant inflatable slides and moon bounces. She had so much fun. I didn't realize we were just supposed to drop her off and roll out so I planned to stay the whole time and brought the baby and all. It worked out great though because there was a little grill next door so we just went to lunch there and then headed back over to the party for a bit. I love how easy it is at the moment to tote Vanessa along with us wherever and she pretty much just sleeps the whole time. I'm glad to test my mom abilities too and have two kids, plus myself ready to go by a certain time along with everything I need in a bag. I am sure it gets harder but for the time being I got dis. After the party we went to my mother in laws house where her niece was visiting with a friend for a couple of days. Natalie absolutely adores the niece and is obsessed. Her friend was really nice too and even though the girls are young (19/20ish) they entertained Natalie and played with her so well. Natalie was so happy and just giggling and excited the whole time. 

Today (7/7) Natalie is going to Cirque du Soleil with Matt's brother as a Christmas gift from this past December. She is so excited and last night after dinner at Matt's dads house she was asking Uncle Bobby what their schedule was going to be and created her own itinerary. I love seeing she has organization and planning skills in her.