13 May 2019

Mother's Day 2019

I remember how special my first Mother's Day was. Natalie was 5 months old. Matt spoiled me and made me feel extra special and pampered. We went to the place we got married and took some nice pictures, he showered me with gifts and cooked me an awesome dinner. It just felt magical.

I wanted this Mother's Day to be extra nice too, since it is my last one as a mom to one child. I don't know why that felt like a big deal to me but it did. Anyway, when there is pressure for a day to go really well it almost never does.

The weather was crap and so was my mood. Matt and I got into a stupid. petty argument (the only kind we have) and I cried. I was just in a crummy mood and I know it's selfish and entitled, but I just didn't feel as spoiled as I wanted. At the end of the day I drew myself a bath and ended up sobbing, completely overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness, something that has been happening fairly regularly lately.

I feel bad not appreciating it all more but I can't control how I feel. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I've been so overcome with feeling anxious about what all could go wrong that it does alter my personality a bit. I'm not always a gloomy, the sky is falling person and the bad feelings come in waves. I am happy. I love my life. I don't want anything to change that, hence where the negativity comes in. I just don't want anything bad to happen to my family or me. I don't know why these feelings get so out of hand at times.

Putting it all into perspective and refocusing on the good, yesterday was not a bad day. Natalie and my niece were very excited to give me extra love. The night before they were whispering about what they would make me for breakfast and Natalie said I like toast and jam. Bridget asked what kind of eggs I like and Nat told her I don't really like eggs, which is true, I don't like 99% of breakfast foods most the time. Natalie made me a coupon book and card at school that she gave me on Friday. Matt got me flowers and pajamas that cannot fit my big ole belly right now. It rained and was cold almost every hour of the day until the late afternoon. We went to lunch, then visited with my mom for a bit and I brought her flowers, wine, chocolate, some bath goods and had the girls make her cards. Then we stopped by my sister's house and saw my twin nieces and nephews while the kids played (then fought). We took my mother in law out to dinner and poor Natalie got the hiccups for the seventh time that day. It bothered her a lot through the day and she wasn't very happy. We had a pretty short dinner then had to come home and give her a short bath before bed. She must be going through a growth spurt, because she has been eating a ton lately. She ate a lunch before lunch, then at dinner ate half my wonton tacos plus her entree, and had a dinner after dinner. Overall her behavior has greatly improved, and I really think it all has to do with having a consistent schedule for her, something that will be very unpredictable next month with the end of school and new baby.

I do wish I could hit a skip button and be past the hard part of bearing a child. I know the pain I will endure bringing her into the world will be worth it once I see and hold my baby. She is certainly worth the heartache and stress I am facing at the moment. I just wish I knew everything was going to work out. The dread is eating me up.

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