15 January 2019

Proceed with Caution

You may expect that from my last (very lengthy) blog entry that much anxiety came into play when getting a positive pregnancy test after an early miscarriage this summer.

It was Saturday, October 13th. I woke up feeling a tinge on nausea. I was getting ready for work, or maybe I took the test before getting ready, I don't know, but I took it and there it was: two vague pink lines. It was so hard to see I thought I might be imagining it.

I took the test downstairs and woke my sister who stayed the night to ask her if she could see it too. I told her it was really faint and to look closely at it under the light. She told me she could see it too, and then said, "that's crazy," before shutting her eyes again.

I got the validation from her I needed that it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me. I checked my dates and did the math, and sure enough it all added up to what could be a successful pregnancy. I was excited, but cautious. So cautious, I didn't even tell Matt yet.

My period was due the next day, so I nervously expected it to begin at any moment and trample on any hope I had. What added more to my fears were the cramps and stomach pain I started experiencing. It was now Monday, two days after my positive test. Just as I had foreseen, some light spotting began. I didn't delay in calling my new doctors office and telling them what was going on. They got me in for an appointment later that day.

I went through the standard proceedings at the doctors office: blood work, vitals, lots of questions, and my doctor said she was going to do an ultrasound. I was pretty nervous, I wasn't sure what would be seen on the little black and white monitor and I did not want to see an empty sac or baby without a heartbeat.

Turns out, not much could be seen, which was relieving. She told me there was a cyst on my right side that was found in pregnancy called the corpus luteum. That was the extent of my appointment, and I went home still unsure of anything.

I got a call later that day with my pregnancy blood test results. My hCG levels were 17. That to me was confirmation of a pending miscarriage, since last time my levels were only 20, so surely them being even lower was bad. I was upset and cried and deleted the pregnancy app I felt I had so foolishly started using, but I reminded myself if it was going to happen, it might as well be extremely early on. They told me the same thing as the last time my levels were checked in June: come back in two days for more testing.

Two days later I had my day planned to go in for more blood work. Matt and I were out for a morning walk, I left my cell phone at home. When I got home I had 5 missed calls and a couple text messages from my boss saying: call me, it's an emergency. I was a bit annoyed, thinking she locked herself out of the salon or something along those lines. I called her back and she answered in one breath saying, "She's okay, but Brittany is going to the hospital," Brittany is my sister and co-worker, the one I showed my positive test to.

Before she could explain, my mind jumped around to possibilities of why my sister was going to the hospital. My boss told me that Brittany was hit by a car while crossing the street on her way to work. Concern grew to furry. I already knew my sister was in the crosswalk with the right of way to cross, because neither one of us are stupid or risky in that way. I got so angry with the driver, knowing it was their fault for not paying attention.

Once the confusion of the chaos and figuring out exactly what happened and if she was injured settled, I knew I would be going with Brittany to see the doctor. She has Kaiser insurance, so we had to go out about 25 minutes away to the closest urgent care, since she refused the ambulance/ER.

Hours went by of waiting for x-ray and CAT scan results, but somehow she walked away with only bruising and pain, no internal damage and she was ALIVE, which was super important. In that time of waiting I was able to sneak off to the lab at the urgent care facility for my blood work, since I have Kaiser as well. There was so much relief that everything was okay with my sister, even though I was still upset about the ordeal.

Later that day I called my doctors office to see if my results were back. The nurse told me news I did not expect to hear. My hCG levels were up from 17 to 44! I couldn't believe it. That meant I was pregnant after all. On a day where I could have lost my sister I found out I was carrying a new life inside of me. I thought about how screwed up everything could have ended up, but how lucky we were it didn't. It was a crazy day of every emotion imaginable in me. Confusion, fear, anger, sadness, hope, relief, happiness.

After all the disarray resolved itself I told Matt the next day that we're going to be parent's again. I am now 18 weeks pregnant and though anxiety still runs high, I am so happy and excited to be fortunate enough to have this little being to grow and nurture in me.

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