20 January 2013

Marriage and Mistresses

Everyone knows a cheating spouse is wrong for straying outside their relationship, but what about the other lover?It takes two people to have an affair.

Without displacing blame from the cheater, I feel that someone who knowingly engages in sex/a relationship with someone who's married is almost as guilty as the one cheating.

Women obviously aren't the only one's who hook up with someone whose tied the knot, but I recently learned about someone I know who's on the verge of becoming a mistress and that has bothered me since I found out. I'm not close to this person, nor do I care what she does in the bedroom, it just bothers me to think of the damage it will cause someone else (the wife), who is probably completely oblivious to how her world may come crashing down before her eyes.

I'll never understand the mindset of "the other woman," the mistress. Maybe I'm wrong and it's merely physical  attraction that drives someone to sleep with a married man, but just like in the case of most cheaters I feel there is an emotional reason behind it.

You've first off got to be really insecure, perhaps about your appearance, perhaps about your character, or most likely both.

There's some sense of superiority I think a woman feels knowing she could make a man forget about his wife. It's like she's winning a sick game in her head, because he chose her over the woman he vowed to be with and faithful to forever.

Or maybe she just likes the rush of sneaking around, of "forbidden love".

Maybe she's jaded and bitter from past relationships and feels a married man is perfect because he's already "committed" to someone else.

Maybe she just needs male attention at any cost.

There are a number of psychological factors that could be considered. Any way you look at it, it's twisted, insane and means absolutely nothing other than she did a good job finding a scum bag to use her.

 I know from countless stories how affairs ruin lives. I don't know what it feels like to be cheated on but I feel if I were in a situation where my husband was being less than honest, I would want someone to come forth and tell me.

I don't know the wife in this case personally, but with computers and technology I wouldn't exactly be going out of my way to contact her. As much as I want to, there are a few reasons I won't.

For one, I don't know if the husband has actually cheated. Despite his completely inappropriate conversations, he hasn't gotten physical with the girl I know. If there's an interest in one woman then there's probably an interest in a lot more, or at least will be very soon. Eventually something will turn physical.

Also, it's not my place to tell her. For all I know the couple could be very unhappy (as the husband claims he is) and she could be cheating on him too. Doesn't make it right, but their marriage is kinda screwed anyway if so. I can only hope her husband's true colors come out sooner or later (I'm sure they will) and they work it out however they see fit.

What would you do? Would you tell a stranger she should re-evaluate her marriage or just let it go? What about if it were you on the other side of things, would you want someone to tell you your spouse might be having an affair?

16 Thoughts :

Megan January 20, 2013 at 8:18 AM  

Ughhhh....tough. Ok here I go. I *think* I would want someone to tell me. I say think because I've never been in that situation. I would wanna know...beside if I'm sleeping with someone I wanna know if they are sleeping with someone else. (gross!) If I knew my husband was having an affair it would ruin atleast 5 peoples lives. But some people believe ignorance is bliss, that sometimes it's better not knowing. And while I would want to know there is a small part that wouldn't. If my husband were cheating I have no where to go but to live with my dad in a too small house for all of us. Kayla would have to change schools. There would be a huge custody/visitation battle. A divorce battle. I would be so angry and hurt. So it's hard to say...I would want to know but at the same time not...ya know?

If a stranger told me I don't know if I'd believe them. It would be a lot easier for a husband to deny it and say wtf is that girl anyway. The good part for a stranger telling someone that kinda news? You have nothing to lose. You won't risk ruining a relationship with that woman because is there isn't one.

I say if there are no kids involved TELL HER. Easy to leave with no kids. But if there are kids....well I'm not sure what I would do.

AEG January 20, 2013 at 9:19 AM  

My husband's family is dealing with this issue right now too. We recently found out his aunt has been cheated on for the last 15 years! She knows everything now and still doesn't seem like she's interested in getting a divorce because she's so diluted and unwilling to admit her marriage is a failure.

Sean Marie January 20, 2013 at 10:27 AM  

Good points! I completely understand not wanting to know.

They don't have kids together, thankfully. I know they've been together since they were teens though, so I'm sure no matter what it's going to be really hard on her but it definitely makes it a lot less tricky and nasty without children involved. I think custody battles are the worst and people do really crazy things when denied the right to see their kids. Plus it's so painful and damaging to the kids. Still it sucks to find out the person you love and trust has betrayed you. I don't think I really want to be the one to bring that to her attention, even though part of me does. I know she'll find out at some point. Who know? Maybe she already has a feeling and just no proof.

Sean Marie January 20, 2013 at 10:31 AM  

That's awful, I'm so sorry to hear that! I wish your aunt and family all the strength they need to get through this. :/

Hilary @ Peanut Butter Spoonfuls January 20, 2013 at 10:38 AM  

Oh yikes, what a mess. I think if my husband were definitely having an affair and someone knew without a doubt I would want them to tell me. That being said, if my husband flirted with the idea and never acted or only acted once and really regretted it, I would probably rather never know.

I don't know if it makes me a coward but if I knew what you do I don't think I'd tell. Once you tell the wife she can never un-know if it she wants to and you don't know what kind of situation you'd be getting yourself into. You can always decide later to tell if you want to but you can never un-tell her or extricate yourself from the situation once you do. Really what a mess though. I too know first hand how affairs ruin lives and break apart families. I hope it doesn't turn out that way in this case and they cut it off before it begins.

Megan January 20, 2013 at 12:57 PM  

Yeah, I do believe in the whole "the truth ALWAYS comes out eventually." I just hope she finds out before kids are involved. Maybe he'll feel guilty and want to tell her...or maybe he'll just decide to leave. Either way it'll hurt her but better to know before kids than after.

Marjorie January 20, 2013 at 8:09 PM  

Hmmm...I'd say as soon as things go physical tell. Before that I'd just say something like that's wrong, but sort of lightheartedly and hint at her to stop. I'd hope someone who knew would call the mistress out before it gets physical.

I agree with everything you said about why people cheat. Terrible and sad.

Mama January 21, 2013 at 7:35 AM  

I would want to know however hurtful and gut wrenching that would be... but I would suggest a Snooki and JWoww style anonymous letter. Then she knows and she can do with it what she pleases... however childish a mailed anonymous letter may seem... I wouldn't want my name involved, ya know?

Venassa January 21, 2013 at 8:12 AM  

Ouch.. awkward situation to be in. I, myself, would want to. To get rid of the guy and move on, but I would never want to be the one to tell. So I don't know. I don't think there's a right or wrong thing to do here. Follow your gut?
If people are unhappy in their relationship, I don't understand why they don't just leave instead of cheating first.

Krista January 21, 2013 at 8:42 AM  

Wow that's a tough one. I'm not sure what I would do. It would probably depend a lot on all the circumstances. From what you've said about your situation, I would probably do the same thing and hang back since I didn't really know the wife. Cheating just sucks no matter how you look at it. And it only ever ruins things, nothing good can truly come out of it.

Sean Marie January 21, 2013 at 9:28 AM  

Yeah, I would definitely do it anonymously if I did!

Shannon January 21, 2013 at 10:29 AM  

Ok, I might seem like the outcast here, but I would suggest NOT saying anything. Only because you claimed you aren't very close with any of the people involved. When I was 20, I was dating a guy, and I found out from one of his friends (who was a girl) that he was actually married. She came up to me at a local hangout while I was with friends, and humiliated me by calling me out on something I had no idea about. I can imagine that's how the wife would feel also. CLEARLY, I never spoke to him ever again after that - not even to tell him to f*ck off. I still have questions and I'll probably never get answers to them. I don't think you'll want that obligation on your shoulders. If you tell the wife, anonymously or not, you are leaving her with more than just the hurt of finding out he is cheating. You'd be giving her questions in her mind that might never get answered. That's a torturous feeling =\

ana January 21, 2013 at 2:10 PM  

Ugh.. I wouldn't know what to do in this situation. I wouldn't want to be the person to say anything but at the same time... I would definitley want to know!

noel bressler January 21, 2013 at 2:47 PM  

I know what it feels like to be cheated on, and although it was with previous boyfriends who no longer mean anything to me, the trust issues have carried over into a marriage that doesn't deserve them. I used to think I'd never get married because I just assumed I'd be in a relationship as long as it took for the guy to cheat...sad and twisted, I know. And then Travis came along and changed everything I'd ever thought was true...I'm so grateful for his patience and understanding!!

That being said, I would want to be told because I would hate to think of the amount of time I was wasting my life. But it wouldn't be easy to believe or accept...however...I wouldn't care to be told by someone who didn't know me or my husband. Because then, I might not believe them at all. Either way it's a tough situation, and if you're not emotionally invested in either person involved, it's probably okay to just look the other way. For now.

Jazz January 22, 2013 at 6:51 AM  

Before I forget to say, I reaaaaaaaally love your new blog design, it's amazing!
But hmmm, I think the whole thing is a little bit tricky, because I suppose you don't know completely what is going on, only the two of them know the full details, and if you're not very close with her then I know I wouldn't feel comfortable to tell her she's in the wrong. In college my friend started seeing this lad who was most definitely a player and she was actually looking for a genuine relationship with him. However I heard off one of his friend's that he had been having sex with his ex, and then the whole of the next week she got off the bus at his stop (no where near her stop), so something was obviously going on. But it was so hard hearing my friend go on and on about how much she liked this guy, and he was definitely leading her on, too. But I just didn't have the guts to tell her it was pretty obvious something was going on with his ex. I could only tell her what he was typically like. I think it's really hard to know what the right thing is to do. There probably isn't even a right thing. Either way something good and something bad will come out of it.
Aggh, cheating on people is just so pointless. If they want to start seeing someone else, why not just end it with their current partner? I think that's the only thing I value about my ex, he decided one day he wanted to get with someone else, we ended on the Sunday, he got with the other girl the next day ha, least he didn't mess about! He says he didn't cheat but I can't really be sure, everyone I know says he did but I don't think even now, like 10 or so months later I have the guts to believe he did.
Hope the people you know grow some sense and sort it out before anyone gets really hurt!

marie January 23, 2013 at 12:29 PM  

I would tell and I would want to be told. I am aware it may not be my place and the person may not want to hear it, but I couldn't not say anything.

Have integrity. Have morals. Have values. Love yourself and be honest. Cheaters suck.